Did You Know?

This vital bit of information is just one of the amazing real actual facts I gleaned from my semi-annual review of those grocery store tabloids you’ve always wanted to read but never had the nerve to buy because if your ex ever found out, you’d probably lose custody of the kids.

Understandably.

Just look at the headlines.

Wife Glues Cheating Hubby & Girlfriend To Motel Mattress.

AIDS Is Killing Off The World’s Vampires.

Dead Granny Found In Freezer – Under Frozen Peas, Corn and TV Dinners.

Satan Worshipper Is 170 Years Old!  Tests Show She Was Born In 1819, Say Medical Experts.

The World Will End On September 1, Says Holy Man.

I guess that means you’d better schedule your vacation ASAP.  And you might as well put all your expenses on your credit cards.

Hell, why not a big cash advance?

Now about that 170-year old Satan worshipper.  “There is no doubt about her age,” Dr. Francisco Mendez, an aging expert, told the Weekly World News, after studying Yolanda Robles’ teeth and a lock of hair that was snipped in her infancy.

“The woman doesn’t have a birth certificate, but she does have marriage licenses for thirteen (13) of her husbands dating back to 1853.”

That is all the proof I need.

With these tabloids, as with nuts, the best stuff is inside.

Edgar Whisenant, a former government employee no less, is the man who predicts September 1 will see the end of the world as we know it.

Interestingly, he offered the same prediction in 1988.  “I made a mistake last year,” he says now.

That warning of imminent global doom appeared on page 20.

In a column called “Ask The Countess” on page 38, Wondering in Washington writes in.

Her boyfriend predicts “the Earth will be wiped out by a comet from outer space.”

Like from where else.

Ralph, the boyfriend, says God instructed him to prepare people for The End.  He’ll need money.

So, Ralph wants Wondering In Washington to sell her house and give him the proceeds so he can complete his mission.

He wants to start in Hawaii.  He wants to go alone.

“He says,” the anguished divorcee explains, “if I go with him, I’ll only slow up God’s work…  I’m so confused.

“I don’t want to stand in the way of Ralph’s holy mission.”

Countess Sophia, pictured as an astrologer with a crystal ball, suggests Ralph may just be spoofing.

Of particular interest to Oregonians is the news shared by the National Examiner, that a record number (more than two) of Pennsylvanians have sighted Bigfoot.

The Mutual UFO Network – not a part of your basic cable package – reports a farmer saw such a creature inside a transparent spaceship.

Scoff if you like, but this had been verified by an area investigator for the National Investigations Committee on Aerial Phenomena.

There is a simple explanation.

“Bigfoot creatures could be experimental animals (which) UFO aliens brought to Earth in order to test the environment before colonizing.”

Earthlings have their own experimental animals.

An Italian genetic researcher, seeking to double the world’s supply of drumsticks, has developed four-legged chickens.

“But no one knows what they taste like yet,” reports the Sun, “because the birds now run so fast, they’re impossible to catch!”

Dr. Claudio Pugzi is working to develop a slower version.

Since the fowl are also highly intelligent, they “are easily trained to perform amazing athletic feats.”

Anything but flying.

Dr. Pugzi foresees a day when four-legged chickens will become a source of entertainment.

“Chicken racing,” he points out – note that I am quoting here – “could become a major spectator sport, and a Chicken Olympics could bring together top chicken athletes from around the world.”  Except, I’m guessing, South Africa.

“Our efforts are continuing to develop new strains of food animals,” says the scientist.  “Just imagine eight-legged lambs and giant Siamese cows.”

Yeah, just imagine.

Did you know that eighty-five percent of all the scientists who have ever lived – are still alive today?

Are you starting to get the impression more than a couple have fewer buns than they do hot dogs?

Thought so.

 

Guess what Iranian scientists have cooking in the petri dish.  Time’s up.  I found the answer in, once again, the Weekly World News.  

Khayaban Ansari escaped from his homeland where he worked as a, gulp, geneticist – he has the answer.

‘They are trying to reproduce exact replicas of the Ayatollah in a laboratory in the desert,” Dr. Ansari reveals.

“Before his death, the Ayatollah made secret arrangements for cells from his body to be cloned.  That mob scene at his funeral, when mourners grabbed and tore at his coffin, spilling the corpse on the ground, was all a part of an elaborate scheme to cover up missing body parts that were needed for cloning.”

Dr. Heinz Reitzel, a Swiss cloning authority, suggests that the Iranian project is “well within the realm of possibility.”

Please keep in mind that Iran, to date, has been unable to produce even one decent basketball player.

Dr. Claire Faucher, a French professor of religions, notes the Ayatollah thought of himself as a living god.  (Possibly begetting a problem of ego.)

“Therefore, envisioning an entire army of single-minded clones of himself would seem absolutely reasonable,” suggests Faucher.

“I just shudder to think of the havoc they will cause when the Iranians unleash them on the world.”

Meanwhile, I expect nothing less than a complete tie-up on the Sunset Highway.

As a professional journalist, I cannot conclude without a follow-up to the vampire situation mentioned earlier.

Professor W.H. van der Moer, an Oxford graduate, states that the European vampire population, “by his calculations, declined from a high of 1,035 males and 673 females in July 1979 to a total today of 18 males and a lesser, but unknown, number of females.”

Which seems right, since the News reported in the mid-’80s that the incidence of reported vampire attacks was decreasing at an incredible rate.

But, wait.  Before you take off that garlic necklace, consider this from respected vampirologist Dr. Stephen Kaplan.

He says that, since 1981  IN THE UNITED STATES the number of undead has increased 62 percent.  62!

Last night I had a dream I was being chased by a four-legged vampire looked just like a crazed religious fanatic.

Must have been something I ate.