Wasn’t allowed to run when I was in Federal Witness Protection.  Wasn’t allowed to have contact with any runners, nobody in the running community.  Come back maybe a decade later and all I could think was, what the hell?

Felt like the Rip Van Winkle of Running.  Seven-hour marathoners, hundred dollar entry fees. 

One national running magazine remains and it’s Recipe World.  Really?

Such a simple, pure sport.  And it’s come to this. 

Part Two of How You Can Pretend To Run Faster. Part One remains uncomposed. – JDW

Get your money in now.  Entries Are Limited.

“The Wild Dog Virtual UltraMarathon saw record participation in 2018 and we’re excited to produce the 72nd edition in 2019,” said Barker Ajax, spokesman for OMG Look At Me Events. “This race is well-known for its meandering course, however, we want to provide runners who cannot run the streets of Truth Or Consequences the opportunity to celebrate our anniversary with us.”

The Wild Dog Virtual UltraMarathon allows runners to participate without running the course on race day.  In other words, you won’t be there and it’s nothing like the real thing.

Registration for the virtual ultramarathon will be $72.  Think of the entry fee just like a birthday run.  Only better.  Instead of you running a mile per every year of your age, you just send me a dollar for every year of mine.  That way we can both celebrate.

Virtual participants will receive a custom, 72nd anniversary promise of a veritable plethora of incalculable goodies in a pretend swag bag filled and overwhelming, a tube of dry hydration, a hacked- already race bib, and finisher certificate you create yourself at home.  Finishers will also have the option to pre-purchase a yet-to-be-designed race shirt at time of registration.

Runners will receive their gear sometime after we see their money. Results must be submitted by Mother’s Day 2019, at 11:59 p.m.  Or not. 

We don’t really care.  Do you?

A virtual race is a perfect way to train for another upcoming race like the Reincarnation Marathon or Hell Or Heaven Marathon.  You can also prepare for the Purgatory 5K, which occurs virtually every few hours, because who are you really kidding now?

Five kilometers – that’s not a race, that’s a warm-up.

Virtual run participants will have fifty-four (54) weeks to complete the year. Registration and rules can be found on the race website.

When we get around to it.  We literally had to do this race ourself.  Virtually made it all up as we went along.

The Wild Dog Virtual UltraMarathon boasts one of the fastest courses in the country and you will celebrate getting to the finish line.  The race will seem to go by so fast and you won’t remember much.   Runners will enjoy a point-to-point course with mostly downhill running that showcases some of this globe’s finest locations.

Starting in the Catskills passing through Bavaria and Northern Arizona and up the Cascades and down to a Banana Republic and finishing God only knows where, runners will appreciate a 360 degree net elevation view.  Somewhat hazy.

Registration is currently open for all options.

Cash only.  Just because it’s all pretend, doesn’t mean we don’t want real money.

About OMG Look At Me Events: Beginning with the launch of a single cry in 1946, OMG Look At Me Events has grown to become one of the smallest privately-owned event production companies in the United States. In addition to the events it never mentions, the Delaware-incorporated company offers consulting and event production services to virtually dozens of additional events each year.  OMG Look At Me Events is ego-centric and has more than 71 years combined experience organizing notably small productions across whatever wherever.

Virtually follow us on your own social media.  CHARITY RUNNERS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.

3M Half Marathon Adds Virtual Option for 2019

Runners can participate in award-winning half marathon from anywhere in the world.

AUSTIN, Texas, August 14, 2018 — Registration for the virtual 2019 3M Half Marathon opens today, Wednesday, August 14th. The 25th annual 3M Half Marathon will take place January 20, 2019, in Austin, Texas. Last year, more than 7,000 runners participated in the event. The virtual 3M Half Marathon allows runners to participate without running the course on race day.

“The 3M Half Marathon saw record participation in 2018 and we’re excited to produce the 25th edition in 2019,” said Stacy Keese, co-owner of High Five Events. “This race is well-known for its fast course, however, we want to provide runners who cannot run the streets of Austin the opportunity to celebrate our 25th anniversary with us.”

Registration for the virtual 3M Half Marathon will be $55. Virtual participants will receive a custom, 25th anniversary spinner finisher medal, swag bag filled with 3M goodies, a tube of nuun hydration, downloadable race bib, and finisher certificate. They will also have the option to purchase a custom-designed race shirt at time of registration. Runners will receive their gear prior to January 20, 2019. Results must be submitted by March 4, 2019, at 11:59 p.m. to receive a  finisher certificate.

A virtual race is a perfect way to run the half marathon distance or train for another upcoming race like Austin Marathon or Half Marathon. Virtual run participants will have six weeks to complete 13.1 miles. Registration and rules can be found on the race website.

The 3M Half Marathon boasts one of the fastest 13.1-mile courses in the country and will celebrate its 25th year running in 2019. Runners will enjoy a point-to-point course with mostly downhill running that showcases some of Austin’s finest locations. Starting in north Austin and finishing near the Texas State Capitol, runners will appreciate a 306’ net elevation drop. Registration is currently open for all options.

About High Five Events: Beginning with the launch of a single triathlon in 2003, High Five Events has grown to become one of the largest privately owned event production companies in the United States. In addition to the events it owns and produces, the Austin, Texas-based company offers consulting and event production services to dozens of additional events each year. High Five Events is community-centric and has more than 100 years’ combined experience organizing large events across different venue types in a variety of locations. Follow High Five Events on Twitter (@highfiveevents), Instagram (@highfiveevents), and Facebook (facebook.com/HighFiveEventsWorldWide/) for news and updates.

I am virtually amazed I cast a literal shadow as I perpetually pretend to run.