I’m no longer following my heart. That motherf*cker gives awful directions.
Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dogs.
Mister Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels and they’re drunk.
The officer said, “You drinking?” I said, “You buying?” We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me. Then plug me back in. See if that works.
Oops. Did I roll my eyes out loud?! You are about to exceed the limits of my medication.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative. Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in so long.
No, I don’t need anger management. You need to stop pissing me off!
My GPS has learned to say ‘Your other left.’ I make beer disappear. What’s your superpower?
I’m a wooden spoon, lead paint, no car seat, no seat belt, no bike helmet survivor.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music. The toilet brush is never the microphone. Never.
I don’t trip. I do random gravity checks. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
I meant to behave but there were too many options.
Telling a woman to calm down works about as well as baptizing a cat.
I am going to stop asking ‘How dumb can you get?” People seem to be taking it as a challenge.
Don’t grow up. It’s a trap.