Do-It-Yourself Ten-Step Trump Comb-Over

A How-To Article AND A Public Service Message

“Make your head great again.”

Let you in on a little secret. All the so-called “executive time” is not – contrary to the liberaltard snowflakes whining – not spent watching that Douchey guy scratch his nuts on Fox & Friends. All that magnificence doesn’t just happen. First they got to pack a highly-toned 239-pounds into a blue suit looks custom-made by Omar The FEMA-Tarp-Maker. Couldn’t send that girl into space because Trump used the last of the special secret material for his Spanx. The Hair is the cherry atop the sundae. Fireworks at the end of a parade.

Step 1. Grow whatever you got as long as you can. Length matters. We can always use extensions, but we need something to hold on to.

Step 2. Dye that shit. If you are going to pretend it’s all there, might as well pretend it’s not gray. Try to pick a color that actually occurs in nature.

Step 3. Looking into a slenderizing mirrored-triptych, sweep the thinning front section across to the side to create a shadowy roof over your receding hairline. Goes without saying but I have to say it because I get paid to say it – no photos from overhead. Drones are not your friend.

Step 4. Take that Friar Tuck surviving hedge at the back of your head and move it forward slowly like a snowplow in a wealthy neighborhood. At a ninety-degree angle with the under-layer. You want a sedimentary effect, only puffy.

Step 5. Ninety degrees. I don’t know what that is. Geometry maybe. Do your best.

Step 6. Take a third section of your hair, if you can find it, from the top of your head, and curl it around underneath. Kinda like wiping your ass from the back with your off hand.

Step 7. Take four fingers and tossle the top of your head like you were Joe Biden congratulating a high school student for a patriotic essay.

Step 8. The side of the head is what we call “the curb appeal.” You want to sweep the side hair back as far as you can go. You don’t really want to be all Full-Fonzie, but only Pauly on “The Sopranos” should have better wings.

Step 9. Don’t forget the other side. (You’d be surprised.) We are looking for a balance here. Otherwise, a bad souffle. That’s French for “What the hell is that sitting on your head?!”

Step 10. Hardest part. Stare into your own reflection. Tell yourself you look hunky and powerful and all the women want you except for maybe Pelosi.

Note to the faithful, if your hands aren’t disproportionately tiny, if your neck doesn’t look like a vagina, a.k.a. camel throat, then just shave your fuckin’ head. Otherwise, you’ll look like a fuzzy orange mushroom.

Which brings up a question. What the hell is he trying to hide with that hay stack? There must be something really bad underneath.

Inquiring minds ask. And why can’t Mike Pence be alone in a room with a woman not his wife? Do we even trust the Veep in the room alone with another man? That Mayor Pete sure is cute. Beginning to think Indiana is a lot kinkier than I suspected.

All this conversation about the Emperor’s headpiece got me woke about a similar problem.

Getting the dog yard resodded.