Florida law enforcement is something else.
Doubtlessly, you recall
four (4) armed officers arrested
Pee Wee Herman for playing with himself
in a darkened adult movie theater.
Can’t touch that!
In Clearwater, a woman was arrested,
jailed and strip searched for
not licensing her dead cat.
Jacksonville police shot and killed a man
who was playing his
Glenn Miller album too loudly.
The big band lover opened fire first.
In Fort Lauderdale,
a man was ticketed for
walking his monitor lizard,
even though the lizard was obeying
the leash law.
A 9-year-old Thonotossa girl was arrested,
handcuffed
and fingerprinted for throwing rocks
at a go-cart.
Pasco County sheriff’s detectives
broke up a penny ante pinochle game.
Seven men were cited for gambling.
The Port Canaveral bomb squad spent many an anxious moment
trying to defuse a pot roast.
Fourth graders at the Lake Orienta Elementary School were frisked,
patted down,
and told to remove their
shoes by a security guard
looking for a teacher’s lost two (2) dollars.
In an apartment complex in Carrollwood,
neighbors learned one couple was
having sex with the blinds open.
A neighbor memorialized the action
on his video recorder.
The amorous couple was arrested
for disorderly conduct.
In West Palm Beach, a sheriff’s deputy resigned after
several women motorists claimed
he pulled them over
and ordered them to expose their breasts.
Just good police work,
the officer claimed.
He was looking for a lady bank robber
with a tattoo on her chest.
***
A mall in Melbourne accused two brothers
with canes
of fraud for pretending to be sightless.
The two were kicked out of the mall
for soliciting.
Mall officials later learned the men really were
blind.
A nightwatchman in a Fort Lauderdale museum
called 911
when he was unable to awaken a woman
in the lobby. Responding firefighters soon decided
the sleeping female was actually
a sculpture.
Three members of the state legislature,
all from the Jacksonville area,
proposed a bill last year
which would have allowed teachers
to use stun guns
on students.
Talk about blowing your nose.
A Key West woman,
groggy with sleep,
reached under her pillow
for an asthma inhaler
and pulled out a .38-caliber revolver.
She shot herself in the face.
She was not seriously injured,
according to newspaper reports.
A 25-pound block of frozen
urine crashed through a Miami roof,
landing in an unoccupied baby crib.
Official suspicion points toward an airliner.
Deregulation has come to this.
Book’em.
We’ll make up a law later.