Twenty-three years ago, I arrived at the Florida State Fair, Tampa. This is what I remember. – JDW
Kachunga and The Alligator
Two brothers. Younger Dave, a.k.a. Kachunga, does the wrestling, Gil does the talking. Both men wear tan safari shirts over body-builder torsos. Work out at Gold’s Gym.
Big teeth, not their own, decorate Crocodile Dundee hats. Gil is wearing a pistol and Dave, umm, Kachunga has a very large bone-handled knife stuck – so to speak – in the back of his pants.
Kachunga’s right hand, which – recently – he nearly misplaced, is wrapped protectively.
Thirteen attacks of man by gators last year. Here’s a good rule. It’s against the law to feed alligators. They lost too many dogs to count.
In the 1960’s the American Alligator was an endangered species, its numbers decimated by poachers and its habitat developed into housing and malls. The government shut down the poaching.
Now about one million (1,000,000) alligators in the wild in Florida. “Wild” could mean the water hazard on the 15th hole at the country club.
According to Gil, gators can be found in “every lake, every pond, every body of fresh water in the state.”
Dave doesn’t say a word. He’s in the water, circling an actual live gator, poking the air around the large reptile.
Gil does the commentary. “The pole Kachunga is carrying is very important to our show. It measures the speed of the gator.”
On a cold day, said gator’s as sluggish as the economy. On a warm day, he’s quicker.
Hot today. Gil tells us an alligator can swim up to 25 miles per hour. You know his brother can’t. A gator can run 13 mph on land. That’s as fast as Alberto Salazar on his best day.
Kachunga is still circling the gator. Every move is countered by the black creature of the lagoon.
Every time the gator’s jaws slam shut on empty air, quicker than you can clap your hands, it sounds like a Nolan Ryan fastball hitting the catcher’s mitt.
Alligators can grow to 15 feet and weigh as much as one ton. This one is about 8 feet long and weighs nearly 300 pounds.
“Actually, this gator knows very little about wrestling.” That’s the good news. “He’s not trained. He’s not tamed.” That’s the bad news.
Eighty (80) teeth. Forty (40) on top, forty (40) on the bottom. In jaws which can exert 2000 pounds of pressure. “An alligator can crack turtle shells,” Gil says, “like we eat popcorn.”
An alligator’s sense of hearing is excellent, much like a human’s.
SPLASH! Kachunga jumps right on top of the darn thing.
Armadillo Racing
Sponsored by Sonny’s Real Pit Bar-B-Que. “Put On Your Armor Against Drugs.”
Some guy in a dime-store cowboy outfit is using kids and 9-banded armadillos and anti-drug propaganda to sell ribs.
Principal method of motivating the animal involves blowing vigorously on its butt.
The winning armadillo covered 20 feet in 9.92 seconds.
Name two (2) drugs you should stay away from, one child was instructed.
Without prompting, the answer comes back, loud and clear: “Beer and cigarettes.”
On The Way Back Home
An elderly couple approaches the entrance to a store. The doors slide open automatically. The old man says nostalgically, “I remember the days when you had to open the doors by yourself.”
Florida was a paradise once. That’s why people started moving here.
Like to see the beauty before all paved over.
Nine of the top fastest growing cities in the U.S. are located in Florida. In the decade between 1980 and 1990, Naples led the list with a growth rate of 77%.
Thomas Edison once offered to install electricity in Fort Meyers. The town fathers declined the offer, fearing it would keep their cattle awake at night.
I picked up a copy of FLORIDA SINGLES magazine.
There’s a photo of an attractive blonde. What I’d call your Reese Witherspoon-type. “Debbie Dehaven is a teacher with a unique idea. She teaches safe sex with walnuts. Each nut has a condom inside. She says, ‘teaching safe sex is a hard nut to crack.’ ”
In 1992, Florida’s schools will greet another 90,000 students. Many don’t speak English. In Miami, there are places one becomes mucho grateful for those four years of high school Spanish.
Once pulled into town, hot, tired, a NASCAR race nearby Homestead,
finally find a vacancy, Rosalita, the desk clerk says sounds like
How are you? and I reply, stiff and achey.
so she says, “Well, Senor Stiffenachy,
do you have a reservation?”