Look, Honey, It’s Jack

This column is undated.  The fatwa against Salman Rushdie was issued February 14, 1989.  So figure thereabouts.  Valentine’s Day seems ironic. – JDW

Art by Cassie Topaz Malone

Before I begin, it should be noted that the photo above which accompanies my byline has been altered to obscure my features, with the same techniques utilized by “60 Minutes.”  Who are they kidding?  Every time Morley Safer says, “The appearance of this putz of a secret witness has been electronically disguised because his life, internal organs or major limbs will be at risk if his identity is revealed.”

I figure we are looking at a dead man.  Or at least a guy about to develop a permanent limp.  Wouldn’t you just love to know the attrition rate?  I can just see his enemy’s wife sitting around the house, watching TV and saying, “Look, honey, it’s Bob!”

Anyway, I don’t want to take any unnecessary risks, because I must – I must – offer a word of support for novelist Salman Rushdie.  Really, if ayatollah once, ayatollah twice, to remain a great and free people. we must put the health and well-being of writers ahead of all else.

Clearly, there are more deserving targets for Khomeini’s unholy wrath.  Afternoon talk show hosts come to mind.

And so it came to pass that I came into possession of a piece of official stationery for the “Geraldo!’ show.  I only wish I could reprint the scurrilous and offensive content of the letter I wrote, over the forged signature of Mr. Rivera, but this is a family newspaper.  Suffice to say, once Khomeini receives said correspondence, we won’t have to worry about any more hour-long specials about celebrity dwarf-tossing.

The controversy surrounding “The Satanic Verses” is no joking matter, not to me, not to you, and certainly not for Rushdie.  “It is incumbent on every Muslim to do everything possible to send him to hell,” declared the leader of Iran’s governing Council of Guardians.  Plainly serious business.  I’ve heard of bad reviews, but this is ridiculous.

Suppose Khomeini decides other works are offensive to his sensibilities.  Like the Bible.  Or Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition.  Doonesbury.  The California Raisins.  Suppose the ayatollah has about all the cloying perfection from the Huxtables he can handle, and puts out a contract on Bill Cosby?  As you can see, it is a fairly important precedent we’re talking about here.

Out of all this, we should be reminded that throughout the history of the species, too many have been killed in the name of one religion or another.  And keep this in mind: Without freedom of speech, there can be no freedom of religion.

“For truth is extreme,” Rushdie writes in “The Satanic Verses.”  “It is so and not thus, it is him, not her: a partisan matter, not a spectator sport.  It is, in brief, heated.”