Poker has gone to the dogs in Florida. The greyhound tracks all now offer poker. Which is good. Because betting on the dogs is just gambling.
Of course, you don’t have to bet to enjoy a day at the track. Nobody’s going to force you to walk up to the pari-mutuel window and ante up, say, six dollars for a three-dog trifecta.
Not wagering, however, has all the flavor of twin beds on a honeymoon. Something’s missing.
Fifteen minutes after arriving at the kennel club, I got my first tip. A somewhat disheveled, grey-faced guy with grey stubble pointed to Kelso’s Minnie in the 12th race, the Budweiser Marathon.
“Long shot. I can say no more.”
He said no more.
Like all savvy players, I have a system. For example, in the 4th race, I bet on Dog Gone. I’ll tell you why. Because he had the word “dog” in his name. He’s not trying to be something he isn’t. Which is how you succeed in this life, regardless of the species.
I tend to ignore racers named, for example, Garfield The Cat or Arsenio Hall. Name just one fast schizophrenic you know personally.
Try to pick a dog with a name which has a special meaning to you. Look for a karmic relationship. Yukon Teeny in the 8th race reminded me of Yukon Jack; not only includes my name but also an adult libation of which I am fond.
No connection is too tenuous. I remember the all-time winningest dog in history was D.D. Jackie.
I like black dogs. Black is my favorite color and black dogs just look like winners. Fast, even when standing still.
Norma Louise, who believed in numerology, studied my charts. She said “6” would bring me the best luck. So, the number six gets extra consideration. She herself was a ten, so I had to listen, didn’t I?
(By the way, I haven’t seen the woman in thirty years and “6” still has not won anything for me.)
I don’t like betting the favorite. It’s too easy and the payoff always seems insignificant. The favorite is the choice of most of the other gamblers and they are your enemies. Considering the average IQ, by definition, is one hundred, I always opt for the gamble less wagered.
Investors can observe this same tip when playing the stock market. Avoid the pack mentality in all things.
If you see a racer pause to relieve himself enroute to the starting line, give that animal special attention. (Don’t stare.) He’s definitely going to be lighter and probably feeling a little frisky.
If the dog is black, coming out of the 6th hole, following a B.M., and a long shot, you can be fairly confident. Back up the truck. Bet the kid’s college fund. Hey, that’s what scholarships are for.
I call my system The Divine Concept Of Universal Symmetry. Or, for short, “the hunch method.” For real short, “wild guess.”
Seems to work about as well as anybody else’s system. I know, ’cause I asked around.
“The best system,” I’m told by Duane, “is to sit on your wallet.”
He then went on to explain what he does when he’s in a gambling mood. “Take the favorite and wheel it with the rest of the field. Then, if the people’s choice is running the way he should, you get half the trifecta.” It’s a $56 wager and it’s called a One-All-All.
Pete, another savvy punter, plays the first race. If he loses, he doesn’t bet again. Pete was finished for the day when I arrived.
By the eighth race, I was down forty bucks. On paper. Then I picked Revelation Guy, whose sire was Black Aztec. Picked two other black dogs, EOB Velvet and Texark Andy. Velvet reminded me of an adult libation and I once had a dog named Andy. (Andy was so wonderful, when he died, the local newspaper published his obituary. True story.)
The trio finished in exactly that order, with a two dollar trifecta paying $384.20.
So much for science.
I was still suffering from the ‘if-onlys” when the 10th race arrived. I picked Montongo Bob, the only black animal in the competition. Barry’s Boy, because of Dave, the Pulitzer-winning humorist, and Cardiac Shock, who’s black & white.
I actually wrote down 8-1-4. There are witnesses. $953.80. Would’ve made me well in a hurry.
The tip on Kelso Minnie in the 12th? She finished dead last.
The bitch could still be running for all I care.
Even if she was the only black dog in the race.
After all, I don’t gamble – I’m a poker player. – JDW
Still. Life.