Like Darrell on The Walking Dead, all he was trying to do was survive. That’s all. Survive and hopefully look studly gettin’ it done. Season after season.
Without the greasy hair. A hot shower difficult in a dystopic apocalypse. The Great Regression.
The old man had been fifty-nine years old when he had been retired. Never one for sustained gainful employment, always anxious for an early exit, still he hated to be told, we have to let you go. Go where? That was always his first thought.
After the severance package wore off and his share of the divorce proceeds eventually evaporated, online poker had paid the bills for a couple years. Turns out you can be among the top ten percent of poker players in the world and barely break even.
Like Darrell on The Walking Dead, always another arrow in the quiver. True story. The old man supplemented his income by writing admission essays for Muslim high-school students aspiring to scholarships at state schools.
Straight up. Amazing what a teenage girl from that background can achieve before turning twenty. Made the old man feel like he had wasted his teen years. Which he had.
His former boss’ kid attended one of those magnet schools for the gifted. And she apparently needed zero sleep. She’s baking cookies for Meals on Wheels, teaching ethnic dances and history to grade schoolers, running on the cross-country team, counselor at science camp for the handicapped, speaks four languages. Wants to become a general practitioner in Appalachia. Maybe cure pediatric cancer.
Word gets out. Next thing you know, the entire Muslim community of Orlando seems to have a child matriculating. The old man only charged one-fifty per hour and the resulting entreaty typically garnered a four figure annual sum which rolled for the next four years.
Ironic. Back in the early sixties, a chubby teenager trying himself to get into college, the old man flunked his writing sample. Choice was, what I did on my summer vacation or a family pet.
He wrote about planning the perfect crime, down to the slightest detail. Took all summer. But, he wrote, when the neighbor’s Pekingese went missing, nobody ever suspected him. Not for the minute.
Found himself in college attending a not-for-credit remedial composition class.
Lately, he was on to something new. The local county Republican Party, flush with cash and sudden bon homie, offered a half dozen college scholarships to 2017 high school graduates. Public, private and home school are eligible. An essay concerning national conservative policies is required. Three letters of recommendation and a minimum 3.0 grade-point average.
Right away, you can see the problem. There’s a moving target.
He offered to write the first one free. Get them hooked. Then he charged two-fifty an hour. Plus, free of charge, a heart-warming anecdote suitable for the award ceremony.
If you are already prepared to do and say anything for a buck, might as well hire a pro.
***
National conservative policies? Geez, I don’t know.
Have to write with a straight face. No word limit. Keep it short.
First few came easy. Apple pie, motherhood, service to others. You could almost hear The Stars & Stripes, as played by John Phillips Souza. Boolaboola boolaboola.
America First worked once. Then he was stymied. Actually had to make a couple of refunds.
Here’s a little life lesson. Hit a roadblock, go take a walk. And a shower. That don’t work, wait until the morrow.
It’s about policies, not about principles. Makes matters easier perhaps. Focus on a single issue.
Repeal and Replace Obamacare. Easy. Nixon made the call for a national health system in 1974. The ultra-conservative Heritage Foundation came up with the individual mandate to fund the deal. As Governor, Mitt Romney engineered a successful Beta-test in Massachusetts. The ACA is already the Republican Plan. Tweak it and call the resulting package Trumpcare.
Immigration. No. Abortion. No. Tax cuts for the rich. Yes. Public education. No. Militarization of police. Yes. Climate change. No. Guns everywhere. Yes. Even for the mentally ill. Why not. What could possibly go wrong?
Evolution. Not so much.
Logging in national parks. Yes. God gave us the trees and the woods and the forest so we would have something to cut down and make more money. Besides, it’ll grow back.
Voter fraud is real. The old man sketched out an outline. Dear Committee: If you don’t vote for me and I lose, I can only conclude paid professional dead people were bused in from out of state and voted unanimously for other kids.
Blue lives matter more. Yes.
Fake news. This is one of those old debate questions, like should Communist China be admitted to the United Nations? Ummm, super, that conservatives have become so alert to fake news. Especially having done so poorly with “weapons of mass destruction.” Or “voter fraud.”
“Last night in Sweden. Unbelievable.” What I mean is, just because it didn’t happen, doesn’t mean it still can’t. So, you should be scared.
The Cold War. It’s not over.
Stupidity has been weaponized.
