You know you’re in trouble when you feel a piece needs an introduction.

Next thing I thought, yeah, like ‘Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do.”

Secretly feel what follows is some of the best writing I’ve ever done. This is the Director’s Cut.

Don’t guess they used my title.

Didn’t want to do it, didn’t pay enough, didn’t know nothing about nothing.

Almost thirty years ago now, I think. So, objects may be older than they appear.

But you’re a freelancer and not a douche who can turn down shit from a buddy who might have a better gig down the road.

That and free tickets for two.

PLAY WITH YOURSELF. A Fall Theater Guide.

The Scintillating Story of Just-Another-Guy, Who Answered The Phone And Became A Theater Critic.

Story by Jack D. Welch. Checkbook by Don Campbell.

The press is raving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hip. Very Hip.” – Wild Dog.

“Arch. Too arch.” – Podiatry & The Arts.

“Wry. Awfully wry.” – A Jewish mother.

“Author! Author!” – The publisher.

Contemporaneous photo of the author by Carla Perry.

No wonder Broadway runs through the middle of downtown Portland. Big name stars, major league musicians, world class performers, legendary playwrights, spectacular sets. Bill Shakespeare, Miss Saigon, Leonard Bernstein, Pavarotti, Officer Krupke, Winnie The Pooh and Tigger, too.

The coming fall theater season shapes up as the city’s most active in decades.

Let’s raise the curtain and take a peak backstage.

“It is my conviction,” Mark Twain said, “the children’s theater is one of the most effective teachers of morals and promoters of good conduct the ingenuity of man has yet devised.”

Seems only fitting NORTHWEST CHILDREN’S THEATER (call 503-222-4480 for tickets, on sale now) opened the school year with The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, one of American literature’s great truants. Tom, Huck Finn and Becky Thatcher are whitewashing Aunt Polly’s fence, suddenly they’re on the run from villainous Injun Joe. Mystery, suspense and hilarious hijinks highlight a glorious portrait of American youth before the invention of video games.

A Winnie-the-Pooh Christmas Tail, which runs December 9 – 24, is a holiday musical featuring the entire crew, Owl, Piglet and Eeyore, too. Tickets are on sale for this show which appeals to children as wee as three-years-old. Not too young to enjoy live theater.

A million laughs. Playing through October 16th at ARTISTS REPERTORY THEATRE (242-9043) is A Thousand Clowns, a thought-provoking comedy about an uncompromising idealist and his quest for the meaning of love. A better play than a movie.

A.R.T. offers real theater for real folks. The company’s second production of the season, opening November 4, is a Portland premiere of Joined At The Head. The old love triangle turned upside down, Head is the story of a woman novelist who visits her high school sweetheart and becomes friends with the man’s wife.

A must-see for every bibliophile in town.

Formerly known as the Oregon Shakespeare Festival – Portland, PORTLAND CENTER STAGE (274-6588) shows George Bernard Shaw’s Arms and the Man, October 22 through November 19 at the Portland Center for the Performing Arts. Set in notoriously amusing 1880 Bulgaria, this satire looks at the honor of soldiers and the vanity of war, the love of a wealthy officer’s spoiled daughter and a mercenary who’d rather arm himself with chocolates than bullets.

Alan Ayckbourn’s peculiar and hysterically funny Absurd Person Singular opens November 26.

Founded by that famed Ashland Shakespeare Festival, PCS is now totally independent. The largest professional theater company in Portland, PCS draws from a talent pool of actors from all over the country. And it shows.

TYGRES HEART SHAKESPEARE COMPANY (222-9220) brings a fresh intimate style to the Bard’s best. Innovative staging, a natural delivery and a ferocious regard for Shakespeare’s language – English, in case you can’t understand him – highlight every production. Much Ado about Nothing, which runs from October 13 to November 6, takes place in the chic cocktail party world of the 1930s and centers on the romance of drama’s most dynamic lovers.

Bold drama works best in bold surroundings, so Tygres Heart takes full advantage of the blood-red Dolores Winningstad Theatre of the Portland Center for the Performing Arts. The intimate courtyard theater, unique in the nation, is restructured for every production. The unexpected is expected here, and usually delivered.

The indefatigable Gary O’Brien and his OREGON STAGE COMPANY (289-5450) have moved to a new home, North Portland’s convenient-to-everybody Interstate Firehouse Cultural Center. With plenty of free parking.

Running October 6 – 29 is a dark comedy of menace, The Birthday Party by Harold Pinter, England’s foremost master of dramatic subtlety. It’s not even Stanley’s birthday, and that’s not the weird part. This play hasn’t been presented in Portland for some 15 years; one reason O’Brien’s leadership locally is so vital. Art is about taking chances.

The moment you think you have his number, O’Brien slips in a musical. Opening November 10, Closer Than Ever is a joyous and heady revue about modern men and women, aging, the two-career family, role reversals, parents, romance and unrequited love.

Hopefully not all in the same song.

PORTLAND REPERTORY THEATRE (234-4491) kicked off its 15th season with the American premiere of Grace by contemporary British playwright Doug Lucie, a biting satire which runs through October 22nd on the Main Stage at 2 World Trade Center. A controversial examination of big business evangelism, Grace pokes fun at professional more-pious-than-thou hucksters, but leaves audiences asking serious questions.

October 29 is the opening of The Doom of Frankenstein, a tongue-in-stitched-cheek look at what happens when the bad doctor’s monster meets up with a blood-sucking vampire. You know the type.

On the Second Stage (815 Northwest Twelfth), this Rep, perhaps the most active company in town, will present November 18 through December 11, Fahrenheit 451, a chilling tale by Ray Bradbury. Clearly a hot ticket for local bibliophobes.

With a growing reputation for cutting edge theater, Portland Rep will challenge audiences into the next century.

IMAGO (231-9581), after fifteen years of international touring, purchased a personable building at 17 SE Eighth Street. Imago Theatre’s inaugural season is already underway with its critically acclaimed original production of Verdad, an adult piece of theater about theater, running until October 29.

Original? If you drew a line and placed most theater on one side, Imago would be on the other side. “The Mask People,” as they’re called, do things nobody else in The United States is doing. Like Phoenicians in the House, opening November 11, a hypnotic adventure into another world where the mundane becomes epic.

OREGON BALLET THEATRE (222-5538) tiptoes into its sixth season, October 13-16, with Arthur St. Leon’s Coppelia. Colorful characters, a lively plot and a delightful score qualify Coppelia as the great comedy of classical ballet, pure entertainment for the young of heart.

December 13-30 at Portland Civic Auditorium, OBT will again present The Nutcracker. Last year, over 80,000 people thrilled to this Yuletide classic, a feast for the senses, with sumptuous choreography, stunning costumes and dazzling pyrotechnics. Tchaikovsky himself would be thrilled.

CONTEMPORARY DANCE SEASON (725-3307), offered by Portland State University’s School of Fine & Performing Arts, typically presents the finest talent in modern dance. Daniel Ezralow & Friends, October 3, 4 & 5, gathers a group of internationally renowned choreographers/dancers, each performing a solo in his, or her, own virtuoso style. A celebration of body, soul & spirit.

November 18, 19, 20, David Dorfman Dance offers a bold expression of vulnerability and strength, flavored with wit, risky athleticism and an innate dramatic flair.

There’s no better time to see these amazing performers. This season, the 11th, may be the last for CDS, the single most important showcase of modern dance in the city. A victim of Measure 5 cutbacks, Contemporary Dance Season is going on hiatus for two or three years, leaving a gaping hole in the local arts scene. Their loss is our loss.

On October 22 & 23, PORTLAND BAROQUE ORCHESTRA (222-6000) welcomes back to Trinity Episcopal Cathedral the incomparable violin artistry of Jaap Schroder, a pioneer of the modern baroque movement. Baroque Fanfare features trumpet wizard Fred Holmgren and the music of Bach and Vivaldi.

November 19 & 20, PBO presents Paul Goodwin, the pre-eminent baroque oboist in the world today. A Royal Feast is a heaping platter of Handel, energetic and exciting, by one of this country’s finest period instrument ensembles.

Jan Kleinbussink will be the guest conductor for PBO’s eighth annual presentation of Handel’s Messiah, December 17-19. Tickets for this stirring masterpiece are already on sale.

Packing overwhelming emotional punch, PORTLAND OPERA’s production of La Boheme, the powerfully passionate tale by Giacomo Puccini, wraps up October 1.

Opera buffs will regroup for Wagner’s The Flying Dutchman, a work of mythic proportion which opens November 5. The tale of the Dutchman, cursed to spend his life at sea, allowed to visit land only once every seven years in search of a faithful woman, is a compelling spiritual exploration.

Portland Opera was the second company in the U.S.A. to use projected English translations, so there’s no reason to feel intimidated by outdated stereotypes. Portland Opera (241-1802) has responded to popular demand by scheduling additional performances.

Under the leadership of maestro James DePriest, OREGON SYMPHONY is a treasure.

Some of the magical musical highlights at Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall this fall include Broadway superstar Carol Lawrence (October 30 through November 1), the genius of Ray Charles (November 17), An Evening with Peter Schickele of PDQ Bach fame, Leila Josefowicz, 16-year-old child prodigy violinist (October 23-25), and The Magic Horn, children’s matinees (November 6) with Magic Circle Mime.

There’s more. The Israel Chamber Orchestra (October 15), for example. And An Oregon Homespun Holiday Concert (December 11-13) featuring classical gasser Mason Williams and hippy geezer Ken Kesey. And Kids’ Holiday Concert (December 18) with Rudolph The Reindeer, Frosty The Snowman and the big Claus man himself.

You get the picture. Ticket for all shows are selling fast. Call 228-1353 today.

Playing through October 16 at Lakewood Center For The Arts, 368 South State Street in Lake Oswego, is Oliver!, a rollicking musical based on Charles Dickens’ Oliver Twist. THE LAKEWOOD THEATRE COMPANY (635-3901) follows up, November 4 through December 11, with Lend Me a Tenor, a zany, intelligent comedy whose message can be summed up by a line from the play itself – “Never trust a man in tights!”

“The Best Xmas Pageant Ever,” scheduled for December 15-23, may be just that.

Lakewood, by the way offers a full educational program of dramatics, advanced scene study and musical theater, for children and adults.

THE MUSICAL THEATER COMPANY (280-6592) calls itself Portland’s only musical theater, a heavy burden lifted easily by Jutta Allen and friends. MTC’s first production in the Intermediate Theatre at PCPA as a newly official resident company is West Side Story. You’ve probably heard of it. Tony likes Maria, the Jets don’t like the Sharks. Tickets for most shows, October 6-16, are already sold out.

There’s still plenty of time to call for those cherished ducats to Babes In Toyland, Victor Herbert’s riposte to The Nutcracker. Children 12 and under get in the door for a mere $6. Very affordable.

The first show in the first season of the PCPA BROADWAY SERIES (224-4400) is the smash national tour hit Crazy For You. All singing, all dancing, all Gershwin, all the time, eight times, October 18-23. Winner of Tony Awards for Best Musical, Best Choreography, Best Costumes, Crazy For You is a great Broadway musical you’ll be crazy for.

PORTLAND’S BROADWAY THEATER SEASON is bringing the classic love story of our time to town. Miss Saigon is coming June 13, 1995. Tickets are on sale and going fast. Broadway-on-wheels, Miss Saigon is the biggest show on the road today. This spectacle will not be “similar” to what you’d see for A LOT MORE money in New York City, what you will see here is the same show you’d see on Broadway.

Questions???

Will Stumptown see a helicopter on stage?

Bet on it.

What this about a holiday for babes named Oliver with nutcrackers chasing some little bear?

The message is crystal clear; this Christmas take your kids to more than one show. Create a new family tradition.

About now the fat lady sings.

Jack D. Welch first appeared on stage in a supporting role as the king in his second grade’s production of The Frog Prince. His next performance takes place 7 p.m., Friday, September 30, at Conant & Conant, 1001 S.W. 10th, in Downtown Portland. Not far from Broadway.

SIDEBAR. We’ve only just begun, as the song goes, to skim the surface of Portland’s stage offerings.

Most shows start at 8 p.m., with many productions offering Sunday matinees.

A number of performances are sign interpreted for the hearing-impaired.

A wide variety of ticket prices are available. Many companies offer savings for groups, seniors, students and children.

Check your local listings for further information or call the box office.  [Imagine a big long list of places and numbers.]

Support your local theater.