The following seems circa early 1991. Wanted a column in the big local paper.
Think I knew there was zero chance ever. Pretty sure I knew why. – JDW
First, some notes. An urban Joe Bob Briggs with the occasional attitude.
Talk about the CUT THE BRUSH solution to crime as a metaphor for the way society treats problems. We cut back the bushes so it’s hard for attackers to hide. We don’t do anything to eliminate the CAUSE. We don’t do anything to eliminate the attackers, or the next generation of attackers.
It’s like building a hospital downriver to deal with all the drowning victims. Nobody ever checks upriver to find out how all these people are getting hurt. Everybody’s more concerned about the cost of health insurance.
COLUMN TITLE: “UNDERSTANDING AMERICA”
SUB-TITLE: THE COLUMN THAT CUTS THROUGH THE BULLSHIT.
AUTHOR: BARKER AJAX
FORMAT: QUESTION AND ANSWER.
PHILOSOPHY: The writer must never cease being astounded by the mediocrity and self-satisfaction of the material world in which he is obliged to function. He must never cease being outraged by the compromise with pride and love and honor which he knows his society, and even himself, has made. In every work he sets down there must be his sharp awareness of the fear of men before their own kind, of the constant failures of justice, of the endless distortions of truth, that have brought our civilization to the brink of disaster. For in common with all religious believers, the writer knows that this is not the way the world was intended to be. – Kay Boyle, Oregon artist & activist.
TODAY’S TOPIC: HOW TO READ THE OREGONIAN
The best way to read Portland’s only daily newspaper is to start at the beginning. With the so-called “funnies.” (Not to be confused with the editorial pages.)
Once a week, Thursday, the funnies are in the Science section, but usually you’ll find them in Business. Where they belong.
Atop the funny pages, right above Dick Tracy, there’s a banner: “Alcohol or Drug Problems? Call Youth Line 1-800-621-1646.”
Of thirty-three (33) different strips, you can count on one (1) – Calvin & Hobbes – to be worth your time every day. The Director of Humor and Demographics replaced Sylvia, literate, insightful and anti-establishment, with Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles, which highlights violence, recycling, and art sent in by little kids.
If you think racism is funny, check out Beetle Bailey, which has introduced Corporal Yo, a Japanese efficiency expert. Infidelity, sloth and alcoholism are the standard topics of Andy Capp. Overeating seems to hit somebody’s funny bone – maybe the grocery advertisers – so gluttony is a primary focus of Garfield, Cathy, Hagar, Adam, and Herman. Eat and be merry.
Gary Larson’s The Far Side is back from sabbatical, but The Oregonian is not beyond printing a five-year-old cartoon instead of the current panel. Which they probably don’t understand.
The genius of Doonesbury – who suggests maybe the government isn’t telling us the truth all the time and that cigarette smoking is killing people – is found daily on the op-ed page. Supposedly because it’s “political.” Since Gary Trudeau usually manages to say more in three panels than the entire editorial board can in two pages, the location actually increases the cartoon’s impact.
Sunday, the adventures of B.D., Boopsie, and Zonker are found in the regular Funnies section. Which includes an entire page called JUST FOR KIDS. The goal here, of course, is to entice children into making newspaper reading a habit. Featured is Ask Shagg, which answers questions from kids about animals. How fat can a horse get? Shagg says “the size depends on…how close he lives to the donut shop.”
That same weekend, Shagg’s helpful hint dealt with determining the sex of a turtle. If all else fails, “Turn them upside down.” Shagg doesn’t tell children what to look for once the turtle is on his (or her) back.
There’s a mini-crossword puzzle on the Just For Kids page, too. Solve ten innocuous clues, fill in the blanks, and the result is a quote from a famous person. In recent weeks, The Oregonian has shared the wisdom of such illustrious white men as Greek tycoon international sleazeball Aristotle “In business, the key is to know things that no one else knows” Onassis.
Republican Lee Atwater, the political thinker who mixed racism with the Stars & Stripes to win the last Presidential election, had this to tell kids: “Each person must decide if he will be a winner or a loser.” Good guys finish last.
In the middle of controversy over John Sununu’s unethical travel at taxpayer expense, The Oregonian tells us the Presidential chief of staff is rated as “competent, hard-working and loyal.” Air Sununu tells kids “the clash of opinions will usually produce new ideas.” Try to see things his way.
In The Oregonian‘s only magazine section, PARADE, teenagers have a page of their own. FRESH VOICES. Typical topics include sex, parents, sex, school, sex, peer pressure, sex, drugs, sex, and the future of Western civilization.
Will there be sex in the next century?
The column is typically a Q & A. A sample question: Is it okay to kiss in public?
The answers come from teens themselves. Ryan, 13, from Missouri, advises, “If a place does not want you to kiss, they should post a sign that says, ‘NO KISSING.'” Jackie, 14, from Hawaii, shows a little more restraint. “In places like a romantic restaurant, I feel it’s okay. At a business dinner, it might not be appropriate to French-kiss for a long time in front of your boss.”
Obviously, The Oregonian has made the news easier to read by adding more pictures. Looks like stationary TV now. They’ve reduced the number of big words. The five-column format makes the pages easier to read by replacing words with white space.
Movie reviews have been simplified. Here’s THE FORBIDDEN DANCE, rated one (1) star. “An Amazon princess goes to Los Angeles and tries to save her rain forest by doing the lambada.”
Down there at 1320 Southwest Broadway, they seem to take us for real rubes. After the conviction of Brian Hessel in December, 1990, in Portland, for rape & murder (what one Oregonian caption writer called “obnoxious behavior”), the prosecutor warned jurors they would be introduced to “a way of life ‘ that most of us are not aware exists.’ That lifestyle includes alcohol and drug use, regular visits to prominent nightclubs, and frequent sexual relations among people who know little about each other.” (The Oregonian, 12/18/90)
That lifestyle reminds me of law school.
There’s not only Dear Ann, but her sister, too. Here’s a letter published some years ago by The Oregonian. (2/2/82)
“Dear Abby: I’m divorced, have four kids, am on welfare and I think I’m pregnant again. That’s bad enough, but what’s really bothering me is my hair won’t hold a perm.
“Can you please advise me? – Elaine in Louisville.
“Dear Elaine: First, see a doctor. It could be due to your physical condition. If it’s not that, inquire at a beauty parlor that specializes in hair care.”
Honest.
Here’s the opening line from the lead editorial of January 18, 1990. “Big-time sports contribute to the quality of urban life. More than that, they help to define the community: Is it a bush league town or a major city?”
The Oregonian. Nice to have a sense of values.
