This is a true story. A true story from the Wild Dog archives. The tale is perhaps twenty years old. But as current as tomorrow. – JDW
Florida is the most dangerous state in the country. This year, one in twelve residents of the Sunshine State will be a victim of serious crime. Call that The Law of Averages.
Florida law enforcement is something else.
Doubtlessly, you recall four (4) armed officers arrested Pee Wee Herman for playing with himself without a hat in his lap in a darkened adult movie theater. Can’t touch that!
That night’s triple feature, by the way, at the XXX South Trail Cinema was: “Tiger Shark,” “Turn On The Heat” and “Nancy Nurse,” starring Sandra Scream. One thumb up.
Now they’ve cracked down on T-Back, or Thong, Bikinis. Butt floss. Tight-cheeked (facial) officials and female clothing store dummies met in St. Augustine to determine which body parts must be covered up. For sure, we’ve seen the last of tight cheeks (gluteal) in St. Johns County.
Where did authorities draw the line? Here’s how part of the ordinance read.
“Buttocks. The area at the rear of the human body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top of such line drawn at the top of the cleavage of the nates (i.e., the prominence formed by the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line drawn at the lowest visible point of this cleavage or the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance, whichever is lower, and between two imaginary lines on each side of the body, which lines are perpendicular to the ground and to the horizontal lines described above, and which perpendicular lines are drawn through the point at which each meets the other side of each leg.” No buts about it, tight jeans have lost a bit of their sparkle.
Palm Beach County Commissioners decided to let hot dog vendors keep their bikinis. But vendors have to sell their weenies from behind a four-foot opaque enclosure. Expect to see some outrageous high heels. These civic leaders are the same folks who directed lilac-scented chemicals be added to the local sewer system.
In Boca Raton, a headline: POLICE CALLED WHEN WHIPPED CREAM FIGHT GETS UGLY.
How big are the insects here? This from The News. “A Boca Raton woman called police Thursday night after she spotted a large spider in her den. Police responded to the woman’s Northwest 20th Street apartment, located the spider and killed it, reports said.”
Manatee County officials went looking for an injunction when Captain Video went topless. The video store, at the corner of U.S. 301 and Ellenton-Gillette Road, staffed by bare-chested female clerks, saw rentals quadruple.
In Clearwater, a woman was arrested, jailed and strip searched for not licensing her dead cat.
Jacksonville police shot and killed a man who was playing his Glenn Miller album too loudly. The big band lover opened fire first.
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In Fort Lauderdale,a man was ticketed for walking his monitor lizard, even though the lizard was obeying the leash law.
A 9-year old Thonotossa girl was arrested, handcuffed and fingerprinted for throwing rocks at a go-cart.
Pasco County sheriff’s detectives broke up a penny ante pinochle game. Seven men were cited for gambling.
The Port Canaveral bomb squad spent many an anxious moment trying to defuse a pot roast.
***
Fourth graders at the Lake Orienta Elementary School were frisked,
patted down, and told to remove their shoes by a security guard
looking for a teacher’s lost $2.
In an apartment complex in Carrollwood,
neighbors learned one couple was having sex with the blinds open.
A neighbor memorialized the action on his video recorder.
The amorous couple was arrested for disorderly conduct.
In West Palm Beach, a sheriff’s deputy resigned after
several women motorists claimed he pulled them over
and ordered them to expose their breasts.
Just good police work, the officer claimed.
He was looking for a lady bank robber
with a tattoo on her chest.
***
A mall in Melbourne accused two brothers with canes
of fraud for pretending to be sightless.
The two were kicked out of the mall for soliciting.
Mall officials later learned the men really were blind.
A nightwatchman in a Fort Lauderdale museum
called 911 when he was unable to awaken a woman
in the lobby. Responding firefighters soon decided
the sleeping female was actually a sculpture.
Three members of the state legislature, all from the Jacksonville area,
proposed a bill last year which would have allowed teachers
to use stun guns on students.
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In Spinalta, late one Saturday night after a gig, a drunken drummer in a local heavy metal band decided to get naked and test his brand-new electric weed whacker. A police spokesman referred to the man’s self-inflicted emasculation as a “bizarre gardening accident.”
The head psychiatrist of the Florida prison system was arrested for breaking into his girlfriend’s house where he threatened to stab her to death unless she returned the chocolate syrup, cigarettes and tuna fish he believed she’d stolen from him.
Homosexual prisoners in the Polk County are forced to wear pink identification bracelets based on their sexual preference. The policy came to light when six lesbians complained. Gays Blow Whistle. A sheriff’s spokeswoman said the pink color was just a coincidence: “It’s really an off-red.” To match the curtains, probably.
In Port Lucie, a tavern was cited for violating a noise ordinance when a woman sang “The Hokey Pokey” in a karaoke contest. Somebody left a door open to the street, where a police officer said the volume was so loud, he could actually understand the lyrics.
Talk about blowing your nose.
A Key West woman, groggy with sleep, reached under her pillow for an asthma inhaler
and pulled out a .38-caliber revolver. She shot herself in the face.
She was not seriously injured, according to newspaper reports.
A 25-pound block of frozen urine crashed through a Miami roof, landing in an unoccupied baby crib. Official suspicion – doubtlessly led by trained professionals – points toward an airliner. Deregulation has come to this.
Finally. Now we know why they call hunting a “sport.” Three thousand permits were issued to cut Christmas trees in the Ocala National Forest. Concurrently, deer season opens. Rangers suggested clothing in a festive fluorescent orange.
For Godsakes, authorities cautioned, don’t wear a fur.