Witness Protection Is Not For Sissies

They gave my parents custody. 

I gained fifty (50) pounds, cut my hair, shaved my moustache. Wore white dress shirts, khaki pants and USA flag ties. 

My disguise.

Series of jobs from grocery store bag boy for $4.50 an hour to licensed insurance agent & financial adviser to certified horticultural technician to marketing manager for a large pest control company.  You have no idea.  Sounds a lot better than it really was. 

Look for my forthcoming novella, The Worst Ten Years Of My Life.

Alternative title: The Ten Worst Years Of My Life.

Arrow Environmental Services required all executives to be members of local service organizations.  And paid my dues. 

Lunch meetings at an excellent Italian restaurant.  Okay, maybe not “excellent,” but tasty and – again – paid for.

I have trouble writing when a paycheck is not forthcoming.  Guessing I composed the following piece on company time. 

For the best of reasons. – JDW

Months after a inexpensive crewcut in Vermont.  Working as a Stephen Stills impersonator.

From the Punta Gorda Herald.  August 30, 2006.

PUNTA GORDA KIWANIANS STEP UP FOR COMMUNITY

Nearing the end of my term as President of the Kiwanis club of Punta Gorda, the second anniversary of Hurricane Charley seemed a good time to review our service to the community.  Because that is our mission – community service.

Kiwanians are volunteers dedicated to changing the world one community, one child at a time.  Immediately after Charley, we began with our children.  We purchased $11,250 worth of Wal-Mart gift certificates to replace school supplies.  We distributed 5,000 pairs of shoes, 50 calculators and 200 backpacks with more supplies.  We donated 300 dictionaries to local students.  We gave $783 to Baker Elementary Headstart to replenish the diaper supply.

We donated $2,000 to the YMCA after-school program at FEMA Park; $1,000 for the FEMA Park medical clinic; $1,645 to Salvation Army; $1,000 to the YMCA Day Care rebuilding fund; $1,500 to Cooper Street Recreation rebuilding fund; $2,240 for more shoes for needy school children; $1,100 to purchase three Kiwanis Early Learning carpets for three damaged elementary schools; $850 to hook up electric service to mobile home replacements; $450 to Red Cross, etc., etc.

You make a living by what you get; you make a life by what you give.

We know what it’s like to have homes destroyed by disaster, so we passed the hat and donated $1,056 to the Katrina Relief Fund and $2,850 to the Kiwanis International Foundation Tsunami Relief Fund.  Let’s be honest – it is far better to be able to help others than to need the help yourself.

After ten years of effort, the Punta Gorda Kiwanis club officially dedicated the Kiwanis Veterans Garden complete with Eternal Flame on Veterans Day, November 11 at Laishley Park.

In the last two years, we donated $98,400 to more than 150 individuals and organizations, ranging from the Animal Welfare league to Habitat For Humanity.  An annual drive among our members raises about $7,500 for the Boy Scouts.  Also, ten percent (10%) of every dollar raised goes to the Kiwanis Foundation of Charlotte County, a foundation founded by the Punta Gorda Kiwanis club.  Over the last 24 months, the foundation has given scholarships worth $57,000 to 39 outstanding local students.  Not a sinle dollar – not a penny – we raise from the community is by the club for the club.  We pay our own administrative costs.  Over 100% – yes, that’s right – more than one hundred percent of the money we raise from the community goes right back into the community.

For those of you doing the math at home, we inevitably add a sweetener from our own pockets.

For the last twenty-six (26) years or so, the club has put on the city’s annual Fourth of July celebration.  More tan two-hundred (200) donors help us produce a fireworks display that costs $20,000.  We started the Kiwanis Kar Show, and let’s not forget Christmas Card Lane.  We’re involved in the Block Parade, the Christmas Parade, the Wine Festival, more than one hundred (100) different projects annually.  Our annual Peanut Day will be September 23 this year.

We are what we do.  And the Kiwanis club does some little things, too.  We recycle glasses for the visually impaired and cell phones for the abused.  We deliver Christmas baskets to the needy.  We ring bells and man kettles for the Salvation Army.  Two or three times a year, you’ll see us picking up trash along the roadsides.

We have three membes who have donated more than one hundred (100) pints of blood – each.

I offer this report to remind the good citizens of Punta Gorda and Charlotte County that we are here to help.  The Kiwanis Club club of Punta Gorda meets weekly on Thursday Legion Post 103 at 2101 Taylor St.  (We have fun.)  We welcome visitors and encourage any citizen above the age of eighteen to join us.

Why?

Because we need your help to keep helping the community.

Welch is President of the Kiwanis club of Punta Gorda.

That’s how the article ended.  There were no photos.

I was elected President by the widest margin in the long history of the club.  Because I’m cute and funny.

Got the plaque and awards and Distinguished President pin.

Because of an outstanding group of folks who busted ass and opened their wallets and hearts.

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.