Picked up the paper one day. Honest, on the front page no less, there’s a drawing of this immense furry creature. Looked like Bigfoot. Huge claws.
There’s a sub-head: GIANT SLOTH FACTS. Skim the news incredulously, trying not to appear alarmed. As I read, I bolt the door. “Adult weight: 12-13,000 pounds.” Must be a typo. “Height: 16 to 18 feet tall.” As big as an elephant. Must be two typos.
No, it’s the latest find of the BUREAU OF PHOSPHATE MINING & SCARY PALEONTOLOGY. A vegetarian, the giant sloth roamed Florida two million years ago. Now extinct. So relax.
Just wanted to see if we were paying attention, I guess. Those paleontologists; what a bunch of knuckle heads. Probably had a government grant.
Walking catfish. Kudzu. And wild hogs left behind by conquistadors. About once a month, the State Department of There’s-Really-Nothing-To-Worry-About holds a press conference to announce the arrival of yet another bizarre South American jungle inhabitant to our shores.
How about those four-pound poisonous toads shooting venom from behind their eyeballs? The Bufo toad also defends itself by emptying its intestines. Since the giant Amazonian can grow to nine inches and consume a small kitten or puppy, it’s not a pretty sight. The Bufo was originally imported to Florida in the 1930s to combat bugs.
Killer bees? Nothing to worry about. Most people can sustain six hundred to seven hundred stings before fatal kidney failure.
If you want something to fret over, the same scientists who brought African bees to this continent, recently smuggled 110 Nile crocodiles into Brazil. Much more aggressive than our native American version, the African crocodile kills more humans than any other predator in the world.
Nothing at all to worry about. Sea snakes. Toxic spiked caterpillars. Five-inch-long flying grasshoppers with the wingspan of a small bird.
These alien creatures like it here. “There’s really nothing to worry about,” government specialists robotically assure us. Just don’t try to feed them.
Actual headline. “PREDATOR FROG IS NEW TRENDY PET.”
The multi-hued native of Argentina’s rain-forests grows to the size of a bread plate and lives for a quarter of a century. Large mouth and huge appetite. Known as Pac-Man for its dining style, pet stores sell larger specimens for a hundred dollars. Big enough to eat mice.
Pesky Critters, a trapping company, captured a six-and-a-half-foot monitor lizard (an endangered species native to Southeast Asia) after lakeside residents of Pembroke Pines noticed the baby ducks were missing.
Exotic and aggressive ASIAN TIGER MOSQUITOS carry Eastern equine encephalitis, a rare but deadly disease. According to health officials, the tiger mosquito arrived in Florida in used tires imported from Japan in 1985.
Faster than your average mosquito, the tiger has a bad attitude, bites during the day, and is a prolific breeder in back yards and other urban settings.
There is no cure for equine encephalitis in humans, so about three out of every ten victims die. Human survivors often suffer lasting brain or nerve damage. Two people and 175 horses died here last summer.
“It doesn’t look like a major problem,” said Kevin Sherin, director of the Polk County Health Unit, “but we want to stay on top of it.” If a bug bites you, then whinnies, call a physician. It may be not a horsefly.
I was standing barefoot in the lush grass when my parents’ neighbor told me about the night the fire ants crawled into the rabbit cage. And skeletonized the litter of baby bunnies.
“Looked like dinosaur fossils,” George recalled.
I went to get some shoes.
Next day, there’s a picture on the front page of the Metro section of a twenty-four-foot-long Giant Anaconda some guy found under his front porch. A snake twice as thick around as your thigh. Weighed nearly three hundred pounds.
That must’ve been some scene.
“Hey, Vern. Lookit this.”
“Whatcha got there under your porch, Earl?”
Nothing from Earl.
“Earl?”