It was the best of climes, it was the worst of climes.
Why are we here? It’s a mystery. A complete blank.
Drove ten thousand miles to a place where no one is like us.
You can imagine the surprise when we found ourselves all alone on the other side of the country.
Felt as out of place as Sid Vicious at a Rotary breakfast.
We spent four months camped on an ant hill.
Because good people agreed to let us keep the dog.
Everybody seems old, but there is no sense of winter.
Summer became summer which is becoming summer.
So quiet sometimes, we hear a tortoise ripping the grass with his beak.
Florida is a foreign country. We’re the ones out of place.
Twenty years ahead of our time.
Why are we here? We are CIRCUMNAVIGATING AMERICA.
Florida called to us for a change of direction.
In life, there’s nothing more inspiring than a turnaround.
Luckily, most people stay along the coasts.
Indoors. Where it’s air-conditioned.
Apartment buildings often block access to the beach.
The average dairy cow produces 120 pounds of manure daily.
In Perry, long-haired Bud drinkers still wear jeans hanging so low
you can see their butt crack. Their keys chained to a belt loop.
With the “new wheels on the road” levy and the “impact fee,”
The Sunshine State charges new residents $470 to license a vehicle.
Not including vanity plates.
Winter is, of course, the time of THE SEASON.
Rents triple.
There’s a fork in the river of streaming motor vehicles.
One tributary turns onto Interstate Highway 4. Merry Miler heads west toward Orlando.
Orlando. Skyscraping hotels stand in the middle of nowhere.
Like ghetto projects. Orlando. Where it’s never too crowded to wait in line.
Unpleasant, hot, crowded and expensive.
Actual billboard: “While you’re in Orlando, make sure you visit
the TRAVELERS’ SELF-ABUSE SYMPOSIUM & FLEA MARKET. Next exit.”
Orlando. I don’t think so. Where’s the surf?
Walt Disney World. A single adult admission ticket costs $34.95. We didn’t go.
It costs $27.45 to get your three-year-old into Epcot. Sea World? $29.95, if you’re ten or older. MGM. Discovery Island.
TUPPERWARE MUSEUM. Trace the evolution of plastic refrigerator containers.
One adult gets into Universal Studios for $31. Magic Kingdom. Another $34.95.
Didn’t stop. Never even thought about it.
We don’t brake for Mousketeers.