If we have our own why in life, we shall get along with any how. – Friedrich Nietzsche
If I told you I was once hired by The Porno King of the Pacific Northwest to write a movie script, would you believe me?
Of course, you would. What’s not to believe.
Tom’s office was on the Eastside and I would arrive once or twice a week at his office, mid-afternoon. A grey, nondescript, heavily fortified storefront, windows painted over from the inside. And we’d drink bad whiskey. Noodle out some ideas.
Tom had his own thoughts. After all, he’s the producer. Movie definitely had to involve naked women and aliens. Don’t know which one of us came up with the genius concept of naked aliens.
Sip my whiskey slowly because I had to drive back across town.
Don’t stay longer than I have to.
***
FEBRUARY 17, 1990 11;50 A.M.
D-SCRIPT
EXT. SHOTS OF THE CITY – MAIN STREET, RESTAURANTS, BUILDINGS.
SUE, THE ALIEN, GLANCES DOWN TOWARD THE CAMERA FROM ATOP THE OLD TOWN HELIPORT.
TITLES RUNNING OVER WITH MUSIC.
RAY PULLS HIS CAR TO A STOP ABOUT A HALF BLOCK FROM A TOPLESS NIGHTCLUB.
HE DOESN’T REALLY SEE SUE, THE ALIEN, AS SHE WALKS AWAY FROM HIM AROUND A CORNER. IT COULD’VE BEEN ANY GREAT LOOKIN’ BABE IN A GOLD LAME JUMPSUIT.
EXT. RAY WALKING INTO A TOPLESS NIGHTCLUB. HE STOPS, LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER. DOES NOT ! SEE SUE.
INT. RAY WALKS TO THE WAITRESS STATION, STANDS THERE WATCHING A TOPLESS DANCER. CLOSEUPS OF TOPLESS DANCER.
What can I do for you? – Hostess
I’m a private dick. – Ray
Everyone in here is. – Hostess
A private detective. – Ray
You guys are all private dicks to me.- Hostess
Thanks for sharing that with me. I’m looking for this girl. – Ray
RAY SHOWS HER A PICTURE.
A preacher’s wife. Taken up the art of exotic entertainment in an establishment such as this. – Ray
I wouldn’t recognize her with clothes on. You got any nudies of her? – Hostess
She’s a preacher’s wife. So, I don’t. Can’t. – Ray
HOSTESS SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS AND WALKS OFF. RAY WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE, SITS DOWN AT THE MEAT RACK. HE PUTS A $10 BILL ON THE COUNTER.
CUT TO: DANCER SMILES AT HIM IN GREETING, THEN SEES THE TEN SPOT. SHE KNEELS IN FRONT OF HIM.
Don’t get me all excited, handsome. It’s too close to quitting time. – Dancer
I’d like a few moments of your time. – Ray
Is that all you’d like, honey?
For right now, yeah.
This is my finale. Give me a couple of minutes and meet me in the dressing room.
DANCER STANDS UP & FINISHES HER DANCE. SHE LEAVES STAGE. NEW DANCER COMES ON STAGE.
RAY WATCHES HER FOR A MINUTE OR TWO, THEN GETS UP & WALKS TO DRESSING ROOM.
Where do you think you’re going, stud? – Bouncer
Into that dressing room. – Ray
Ladies only.
Well, just think of me as a lady.
You sure are ugly then.
I don’t have the flair with cosmetics that you seem to have.
THE BOUNCER GRUNTS AND MOVES TOWARD RAY. RAY HOLDS HIS GROUND, SHOWS NO FEAR. DANCER APPEARS FROM BEHIND CURTAIN AT JUST THIS MOMENT.
Mondo, it’s okay. He’s my guest. – Dancer
Your guest is a wise ass who’d better watch his mouth. – Bouncer
INT. RAY FOLLOWS DANCER INTO DRESSING ROOM. SHE NONCHALANTLY CHANGES INTO STREET CLOTHES WHILE TALKING TO RAY.
You asked for a few moments. The meter’s running. – Dancer
RAY PULLS OUT THE PHOTO OF THE PREACHER’S WIFE. SHOWS IT TO DANCER.
Have you seen this woman? She’s a dancer.
DANCER TAKES THE PHOTO, STUDIES IT FOR A FEW SECONDS.
I can’t be sure. Maybe. No. I don’t know.
DANCER PUTS ON COAT AND GRABS HER PURSE.
You already got a dance and your butt saved. That’s all you get for 10 bucks. – Dancer
RAY GRABS HER BY THE ARM.
There’s another 50 if you tell me where I can find her.
Mondo!
MONDO RUSHES INTO ROOM, SEEMING TO FILL IT.
Any trouble, Crystal?
This gentleman needs help finding the door out.
MONDO COMES TOWARD RAY, REACHES FOR HIM. INSTANTLY, MONDO IS ON HIS KNEES AT RAY’S FEET.
RAY HAS ONE OF MONDO’S ARMS TWISTED WITH A KARATE HOLD. WITH HIS OTHER HAND, RAY REACHS INTO HIS POCKET, HANDS CRYSTAL HIS BUSINESS CARD.
Here’s my card. If you see her, give me a call, won’t you?
FROM THE FLOOR, When I see you again, somebody’ll be calling nine-one-one. – Bouncer
RAY TIGHTENS HIS HOLD & PUSHS MONDO’S FACE TO THE FLOOR. RAY BENDS OVER AND SPEAKS SOFTLY INTO MONDO’S EAR.
Stay down there until I leave or you’ll be dialing for the next couple of months with a pencil in your teeth, sonny.
EXT. RAY COMES OUT OF THE TOPLESS CLUB. HE SEES CRYSTAL CLIMB INTO A CAB. RAY WALKS DOWN A FAIRLY WELL-LIT STREET. THE ALIEN, SUE, DRESSED IN A GOLD LAME UNIFORM COMES AROUND THE CORNER OF THE BUILDING AND WALKS PAST RAY. RAY TURNS, AND SUE HAS VANISHED.
EXT. RAY SEES SUE APPROACHING AGAIN, A HALF BLOCK AWAY. SHE TURNS DOWN THE NEXT STREET. BY TIME RAY GETS TO THE NEXT CORNER, SHE’S GONE.
RAYS SLAPS HIMSELF ON THE FACE A FEW TIMES, RUBS HIS EYES.
This neighborhood’s getting decidedly too weird for me.
RAY WALKS FURTHER, AND SEES SUE CROSS THE STREET AND GO AROUND THE CORNER. HE RUNS UP TO THE CORNER. SUE IS GOING AROUND ANOTHER CORNER.
RAY SEES HER AT A DISTANCE. SUE STEPS INTO A BLIND ALLEY. RAY FOLLOWS. SUE IS GONE.
That’s enough. I’m out of here. They must be putting less water in the booze.
***
I think that might be as far as we got.
Think Tom just liked drinking with me.
And I had bills.