by Alex Fitzgerald, professional poker player.
This guy was 250 pounds of pure muscle, and he was grabbing me. I didn’t know who he was. He ran up on me without warning.
And I was grateful.
I was in a gym in Queens a few weeks back. My girlfriend and I decided to try the place out since it was a few blocks from her apartment. Walking in, I immediately made a snap judgement: “This is a place for gym rats.”
I’m 190 pounds, 200 if I recently went for a poutine run in Quebec. I was easily the smallest guy in this gym by 60 pounds. There were no overweight people either. These guys were ripped.
My routine at the weight room is typically fairly minimal. I’m usually in bare bones hotel gyms when I’m on the road, so my focus is more on loosening my body up before a poker tournament than getting toned.
My girlfriend on this particular day had me trying a bunch of new exercises, and, boy, did I look goofy doing them.
While doing one of them I knew something was off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
That’s when this guy came up to me. In typical New York parlance he didn’t say a word. He lifted my elbows up.
I did a few more reps. He kept my arms up where they needed to be.
I finished my set. He went back to his bench. He still hadn’t said a word.
I turned and said genuinely, “thank you, I appreciate it.”
He nodded with a sheepish smile.
The moment really struck me. If you had done that to me when I was 19, I would have felt emasculated in front of my girl. I would have probably turned and told you, “hey man, don’t touch me, leave me alone.”
I would have done that because I was extremely insecure with myself at the time. I wouldn’t have been paying attention to keeping the correct form while working out. I’d be more concerned with looking masculine in front of a woman.
There are parts of the United States where what this guy did would have been considered very rude. He would have had to wait till the end of my set to say, “hey, I noticed something you were doing something wrong.”
I visited New York when I was 19. I thought the people were assholes back then. I couldn’t understand why everybody had to be in and out of the same cramped bakery in 40 seconds.
Now, I’m pushing 30, and I realize I was an idiot back then.
This “gym rat,” as I so crudely judged him, was more compassionate than anyone who would have waited till the end of my set. I could have torn a muscle with my poor form. He stepped in and handled business. That wasn’t happening on his watch.
When I was 19 I would have felt emasculated. At 29 I feel empowered.
Learning is power.
There’s a proverb from China that I love. I will localize it the best I can, based on the shortened English translations I’ve heard:
“I once met a man who had a dollar. I, too, had a dollar. We exchanged dollars. We each still had one dollar.”
“I once met a man who had an idea. I, too, had an idea. We exchanged ideas. Now, we both had two ideas.”
One of the kindest things another human being can do for you is teach you something.
Many times when we are “offended” by another’s “opinion” what we’re really saying is, “I feel belittled by you saying I did something wrong.”
As if we could somehow walk through this world doing everything correctly 100% of the time.
You can see people exhibit this infantile behavior toward each other all the time when they discuss politics. Politicians know this “outrage porn” is truly what their base is getting off on. They consciously work to drive up the hate and then cash the paychecks.
You must resist this temptation.
Tommy Angelo has a great section in his new book Painless Poker about this. He discusses the idea of compassion, and how you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes to see what they are going through.
Did that security guard give you a mean look before letting you into his apartment complex? Well, let’s try to think about it from his perspective. Why could he be doing that?
The correct answer is, “if he screws up this process once, he loses his job. However, if he lets you in and you’re harmless, he gains absolutely nothing. That’s his job. No one applauds him. He stands to gain nothing if he lets you in and you’re harmless, and he stands to lose everything if he lets you in and you’re dangerous. Therefore, he’s logically a touch wary.”
My favorite words in the English language. “To be fair to _____”
Whenever you are posing an argument or discussing a matter where two sides disagree, try – as an exercise – to defend the other side.
People are naturally drawn to a compassionate person. They feel safe with them. You want to be that person.
When someone is trying to teach you something, for the love of God, listen.
In 2007 there was a training video made where a prominent coach spent several minutes discussing what a terrible player I was. It really hurt my feelings. There were several comments on the video about the topic. It seemed as if the whole world was laughing at me.
Fortunately, I had a gift many of you young men don’t possess: Low self-esteem. I assumed if somebody was deriding my play then I must be making pretty noticeable mistakes. I pulled out a notepad and listened to my personalized smear campaign again and again.
I wrote down all the faults this noted poker authority said I had. I studied. I fixed my game. I later wrote him a thank you note.
Even if they’re mocking you when they teach you, they are still doing you a kindness.
And guess what? Most people are not mocking you.
A very smart man once said, “when I was a kid I cared what everyone thought about me. When I became an adult I stopped caring about what others thought of me. When I became old, I realized no one was ever thinking of me to begin with.”
You are not nearly as important as you think you are. Most people are very busy with their day-to-day lives. If they are taking the time to show you something then generally it’s because they see something in you they can quickly help you with.
The thought! Today, when everyone is working longer and longer work weeks, when everything is digitized and streamlined all the time, these people would be kind enough to take time out of their busy schedule and teach you something.
Just listen. You can’t learn anything when you’re talking.
If there’s 100 poker skills on Earth and you have 97 of them then the final three are of the utmost importance to you.
Well, if someone only has 3 skills out of a 100 they are likely not a very good poker player, but if those three skills happen to be the three you desperately need, then that person is the most important person in the world to you.
Be kind to recreational players. Some of the best lines I have ever learned came from them.
If there’s 1000 skills in life and you have 300 of them, then you need to be learning from anyone who will teach you.
Oddly enough, little children and senior citizens seem to have the most knowledge to instill upon others. Children in their innocence teach us ideas through their boundless energy and fearless questioning. Men and women in their golden years have seen more life hands than you (I think they’re referred to as “days”), and they can see where the wind is blowing.
If a woman you meet is a Bangladeshi Muslim maid she might have the most to teach you. Think of the wildly different perspective she had growing up. What imported lessons could she possibly impart?
Conflict has a purpose. It teaches you very quickly. It also imparts ownership.
Failure is an incredible teacher. Some might say the best teacher.
Be respectful. Everyone is fighting a hard battle. And everyone has something to teach you.