My father taught my siblings and me the importance of positive values and a strong ethical compass. He showed us how to be resilient, how to deal with challenges, and how to strive for excellence in all that we do. He taught us that there’s nothing that we cannot accomplish if we marry vision and passion with an enduring work ethic. – Ivanka Trump
My own father didn’t teach me about a strong ethical compass, he lived it. A big man, movie-star handsome. Made me feel safe just to look at him.
If you noticed anything at all about The Greatest Generation, they didn’t say much. They served and then they shut up about it. I asked my father once why he didn’t give me more advice and he told me, “I got tired of wasting my breath.” He also believed, if you kept your mouth closed, nobody would find out how stupid you are. Or how smart.
I have five grandchildren and, believe me, I keep my pie-hole shut. Nobody wants to hear what I have to say. Turns out everything I might proffer is already on somebody’s t-shirt.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have one of those.
Yeah. I just said that. Welcome to my brain. You may wanna buckle up.
Please be patient. Even a toilet can only handle one asshole at a time.
I thought growing old would take longer.
I can’t believe how old people my age are.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
When you said “friends with benefits” I assumed you owned a bookstore.
No. I checked my receipt. I didn’t buy any of your bullshit.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.
Another wine bottle with no genie at the bottom. I’ll keep looking.
I wouldn’t say you’re stupid. You are, but I wouldn’t say it.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, “Hey, look… That one is shaped like an idiot.”
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Well, aren’t we two scoops of grumpy in a bowl full of bitchy this morning?
IGNORANUS: (noun) someone who is both stupid AND an asshole.
If I woke up in the morning and nothing hurt, I would think I was dead.
Better grab my dumbrella; it’s really stupid out there today.
I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.
Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.
We didn’t have bottled water as kids. We had a garden hose.
CAMPING: where you spend a fortune to live like a homeless person.
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
Why can’t I be comforted by carrots? Why does it have to be chocolate or wine?
The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
I meant to behave but there were too many other options.
I hate it when the voices in my head go silent… I never know what they are planning.
Being cremated is my last hope for smoking, hot body.
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, the devil says, “Oh, crap, she’s up.”
I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels and they’re drunk.
When you can’t find sunshine, be the sunshine.