There is no such thing as a perfect parent.
So just be a real one. – Sue Atkins
Her parents had a big house and the whole family was invited to spend the holidays. Mom, Dad, big brother, his wife and their baby. I just turned thirty-eight on Christmas Eve and she might’ve been twenty-four. Redhead, think a young Katherine Hepburn. Somebody suggested bedroom locations like separation was a given.
Not a problem. I was almost grown-up by that age. But she wasn’t.
Like they do on the Lifetime Movie Channel, just cut to some hours after she’d first crawled into my bed… now she’s satisfied, job well done, naughty, wending her way back to her own childhood boudoir in the pitch dark.
She was deaf and not nearly as quiet as she thought she was. – JDW
How to Have Holiday Sex at Your In-Laws’
Think of it like a hostage situation—go in fast and quiet, and have an escape plan if you’re ambushed.
Here’s your dos and don’ts of holiday doing-it.
BY EMILY V. GORDON
The holidays are fast approaching, and for us brave and childless couples, that means taking the annual journey to the homey yet uncomfortable homes of our beloved’s parents. During that journey, you will magically transform from being adults with bills and dishwashing detergent and dress shoes into children—powerless and confused children.
The topper? Navigating the treacherous minefield of having sex at the in-laws’ house. The food is weird, there’s a host of family traditions and pet peeves that don’t make any sense to you, you and your partner often end up arguing about how to best deal with a racist uncle, and you don’t even get the sweet release of orgasm.
Often, magazines will frame this situation as a naughty challenge for a young couple in love, but we’ll tell you the truth: That’s just straight-up weird. Your partner’s childhood bed is not a sex destination. That said, that doesn’t mean the mood can’t still strike. If you do find yourself getting down on the holidays, here are some dos and don’ts to help you get through them while also retaining as much of your grown-up dignity as possible.Don’t think of the trip as a sex trip.
Stays at the in-laws’ aren’t inherently sexy. It’s sexy to try and tempt fate by having sex in a car where anyone could see us! It’s not sexy when that “anyone” is a person whose DNA contributed to your partner. It’s just not. Take the expectation that the trip is going to be sexy out of your brain before you hit the road. Instead, think of it as a safari—you’ll probably see a lot of boring zebras, you might have some heart-pounding moments, you’ll get to wear a kooky hat, and, if you’re lucky, you’ll see a lion. That lion, which you should always be on the lookout for, is sex.
If you have your own room, fantastic. Just check the door lock, and like good ol’ Saint Nick, check it twice. Establish a private space for you and your partner.
First, if you aren’t allowed to sleep in the same bed while you’re there, you need to either make that partnership legal or have a little chat with the in-laws. If you are allowed to sleep in the same bed but that bed is in a very open public living room, you need to get a hotel. If you have your own room, fantastic. Just check the door lock, and like good ol’ Saint Nick, check it twice.Wait until late at night.
Holiday food is rich and indulgent. Going-home-to-see-family food is richer and even more indulgent. Put those together and you get meals that send you into a cholesterol daze, full of unsexy gas. Do not attempt sex after eating one of these meals. Just trust me. Parents go to sleep early. This is universal. Are you really so horny that you need to squeeze one in before the family campfire sing-along? Instead, wait until about 11 P.M., check to make sure the coast is clear, and go for it. But be quiet, dammit!
Don’t try new stuff.
Have you and your partner been talking about getting into anal play? Perhaps considering some Fifty Shades–style handcuff freakiness? Wonderful! Wait and attempt that at home, for the love of God. Keep it nice and vanilla while in your mother-in-law’s home gym that happens to have a bed in it.Speed it up.
This is not a “slowly taking off each other’s clothing, savoring the wonderland-esque body you’re about to bone” sex situation. Sex at the in-laws’ should be thought of as a hostage situation—you go in fast and quiet, and have an escape plan in case you’re ambushed.Don’t get kids’ stuff involved—especially not creepy kids’ stuff.
Was your partner head cheerleader? Band geek? Football star? Are any of those uniforms still around the house? It might be fun to politely request that your partner don them and then get to role-playing, but remember: You are also playing with fire. Getting caught is one thing, but having to explain why one of you is wearing a child-size ballerina costume takes it to a whole other level.Be honest if caught.
The possibility of being caught is real, and may be too horrifically awkward to contemplate. But if it happens to you, don’t run, don’t scream, and don’t make excuses. Instead, keep it grown-up and classy by covering up, looking the parent right in the eyes, and saying: “I’m so sorry, but I just love and respect your child so much that I wanted to express that love bodily.” Then attempt to shake her parent’s hand. When this attempt is refused, ask if he or she can shut the door on the way out.†
†Obviously, do not actually do this.But seriously—don’t get caught.
I repeat: Don’t. Get. Caught. You may recover from it if you do, but for the rest of your lives—and definitely the rest of your in-laws’ lives, it’ll be “a thing.” Let’s have fewer things this holiday season.