This is a lesson I offered to my poker-playing students. Author unknown. – JDW
***
Seriously suspicious about his tax returns, the IRS decided to audit Chuck, and summoned him to the local IRS office.
The IRS auditor was hardly surprised when Chuck showed up closely followed by his attorney. An attorney can be handy at an audit.
“Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying you earn your income as a gambler,” began the auditor. “I’m not sure the IRS finds that explanation completely credible.”
“I am a great gambler and I can prove it,” said Chuck. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thought for a moment and said, “Okay, sure, go ahead.”
Chuck said, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thought for another moment and said, “No way! It’s a bet.”
“Way,” said Chuck, as he removed his glass eye and bit it.
The auditor’s jaw dropped. Suffice to say, he was taken aback.
Sensing an opportunity, Chuck said, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars I can bite my other eye.”
Being an astute bureaucrat, the auditor could tell – obviously – Chuck wasn’t blind, so he took the bet.
Chuck removed his dentures and bit his good eye.
It began to dawn on the stunned auditor he had now wagered and lost three thousand dollars, which he could ill afford to lose. And, worse yet, Chuck’s attorney was a witness. The auditor was clearly shaken.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Chuck said. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, was understandably cautious at that point. But, being no fool, he studied the situation and he studied the situation. Finally, having pondered every possible eventuality, he decided there was no way this guy – Chuck -could manage that stunt. So, he took the bet.
Chuck stood beside the desk and unzipped his pants. And although he strained mightily, he could not make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side. Basically, he pretty much urinated all over the government’s desk. Chuck’s tax returns for the last seven years were soaked.
The auditor leaped with joy, as he realized he had just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But then Chuck’s attorney moaned aloud and put his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asked, still beaming brightly.
“No, I’m not, not really,” said the attorney. “This morning, when Chuck told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official’s desk and you’d be happy about it”.
Moral: If somebody offers you a bet which seems impossible to lose, it is most likely impossible to win.