Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it – what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone. – Carlos Castaneda
Things I Hate:
- Vandalism
- Irony
- Lists
Anybody who can do at 65 what he did at 25 wasn’t doin’ much at 25.
My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it’ll make’em happy….
Most people write, “Congrats!” because they don’t know how to spell “Congrajulashions.”
Nearly 100% of all deaths occur on earth, making it the deadliest planet in our solar system.
Thanks for teaching me the meaning of “plethora.” It means a lot.
I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack. I’m not in trouble yet … but the thyme is cumin.
PARENTING TIP: When you lose your children in the house, turn off the Wi-Fi. They’ll come out, immediately. Your neighbors may also drop by as well.
Driver: “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?”
Officer: “Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”
My wife thinks I over-analyze our marriage, which, to be frank, completely contradicts the findings of my report.
When your wife says, “Tell me if I’m wrong, dear,” … don’t do it!
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks!
Teacher (frustrated): “Look at this paper. How could one person make so many mistakes?”
Student (defensive): “It wasn’t one person – my dad helped!”
I caught my neighbor trying to attach a jet engine to a deer. People will do anything to make a quick buck!
A guy goes into a second-hand shop to buy one for his watch.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. So, she hugged me.