The Old Man Weeds His Yard

There are some days after his morning perambulation, the old man weeds his yard.

He doesn’t brag about it. Came a tough time in his life, a better man would’ve killed himself.

He became a Certified Horticultural Technician instead.

Weeds are just plants you don’t like. The old man didn’t like them because they were tougher and less needy than his grass. Weeds are like Bill Barr.

Anyway, the old man weeds his yard and the neighbor comes out, waving the day’s Wall St. Journal.

He’s a doctor from New Jersey, apparently a guy with a Midas touch. Inherited the place. He golfs. Daily.

Subscribes to the WSJ. And gives it to TOM for free when he’s done with it.

After scratching in pen the word “witch” over every photograph of Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Walks it over, puts it on the old man’s hot tub. Love this.

Doctor says, “God, I love this paper. It’s fair and balanced. I only read the last two pages, the opinion pages. The local paper is just too liberal this, far progressive that.”

He’s a talker. “Wall Street Journal is like sixty percent conservative and forty percent socialist. That’s the way it should be.”

The old man had headsets on. Took one out, the bad ear.

Really rather hear how much Warhol paid for famous ideas, how about painting a still life of a soup can? A Brillo box maybe?

I am practically notorious for not listening, not paying attention, why would you even talk to me.

A free paper doesn’t give you that right. Nor does living next door.

Not to be a dick. Please forgive me.

The old man didn’t read the last two pages, the Wall Street Journal opinion pages.

A quick glance was enough to turn your stomach.

“The Democrats don’t want kids to go to school.”

“They don’t want kids to die,” I told him, as Andy worked on his film “Blowjob” in my other ear.

“More importantly,” I continued, “I don’t want them to come back home and kill grandpa.”

https://www.gq.com/story/mike-tyson-smokes-the-toad