“Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart.”
Can’t handle the truth?
Call it a hoax.
A bounty on our troops?
Pretend you didn’t hear about it.
Hear about it?
Fake news.
Police brutality?
Send in Federal stormtroopers.
Worldwide pandemic?
Reopen schools.
A pedophile finally captured?
Wish her well.
Health emergency?
Ignore the doctors.
Widespread unemployment?
Make three-martini lunches tax-deductible.
Election during a plague?
Strangle the post office.
Reelection look iffy?
Call your son-in-law.
Losing the game?
Knock over the table.