The essence of gift-giving does not rely on material things, but on something transcendent,
as if it were the last and the only thing that one could willingly give, that gently makes the soul smile.
― Danny Castillones Sillada
I’m full of holiday spirit. It’s called vodka.
Sometimes understanding what a woman wants is difficult.
It’s like trying to figure out what color the letter seven smells like.
Fun fact: I don’t care.
So, if a redhead goes crazy, it is called ginger snaps?
I don’t have grey hair, I have wisdom highlights.
I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget.
All at the same time.
The reason we are born with two hands is
so we can pet two dogs at once.
Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.
I’m awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Had a big mix up at the store today.
Apparently when she said “Strip down, facing me,”
she was referring to my credit card.
He sees you when you’re drinking,
he knows when you’re shit-faced.
My moods don’t just swing.
They bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate
and occasionally pirouette.
My wife says I only have two faults.
I don’t listen and something else.
Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin
and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Reality called. I hung up.