If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation,
it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself. – Charles M. Schulz
If I woke up in the morning and nothing hurt, I would think I was dead.
My body is a temple.
Ancient and crumbling, probably cursed or haunted.
I don’t always roll a joint, but when I do, it’s my ankle.
Not today, Karen.
Telling a woman to calm down works about as well as baptizing a cat.
My wife thinks I’m crazy, but I’m not the one who married me.
Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment.
Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.
I thought growing old would take longer.
Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.
No, you’re right. Let’s do it the dumbest way possible.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
If 2020 was a drink, it would be a colonoscopy prep.
I do my own stunts, but never intentionally.
No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich at the dollar store.
I tried to embrace my inner child today and the little asshole bit me.
One minute you’re young and fun.
And the next you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.
Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person,
but then I laugh and continue my day.
I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.
Another wine bottle with no genie at the bottom.
I’ll keep looking.
