Some life is only life, and unconjugatable, just as to some questions there are no answers. – Richard Ford
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists, they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
A conscience is what hurts
when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow,
you got to put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis,
raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend,
But she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way,
you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse
for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future;
laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar,
but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder.”
If at first you don’t succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place
where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get
until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter
is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool,
there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind,
the more time you’ll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table,
the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory;
some just don’t have film.
If at first you don’t succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
If your car could travel at the speed of light,
would your headlights work?
Source: Steven Wright