Franz Kafka’s lover Milena Jesenská offered this obituary: He saw a world full of invisible demons that antagonize and annihilate defenseless people. He was too clear-sighted, too wise to live, and too weak to fight: but his was the weakness of noble, beautiful people…
Kafka is my sidekick. There are some wild dogs too sensitive to live among men.
Friends were calling the old man, friends from his beloved Oregon. All upset about the new President.
He laughed at them. You live in deep Blue Portland, don’t complain to me. Our governor is a kleptocrat
who looks like an outer space creature. No offense to outer space creatures. Attorney General, State Senator,
State House member, all Trumpsters. Congressman is a Freedom Caucus stalwart. Marco Rubio, enough said.
Right-wing low-tax conservative County Commissioners are replaced by righter-wing, lower-tax gun lovers
who immediately change the rules of the Comprehensive Land-Use Plan. Better for developers.
Don’t get me started.
The old man was under siege at ground level. Emboldened by the victory of President Big Orange Blob (BOB),
The Babbling Brook Home Owners Association (HOA) had recently experienced a regime change.
Here’s the President’s Desk column for the month of May. “The new Board has amended two RULES AND REGULATIONS. The first is for speeding. The violation will now be $50 fine, 30 day suspension of privileges. If the speed is 40+, the fine will be $100.00, with 60 day suspension of privileges. The second is to clarify estate sales. Only one estate sale is allowed per homeowner.
“Just a word about walkers. As you know, we have no sidewalks due to the non-insight of the builders of our Community. We ask that you walk facing the traffic, so that you can see the oncoming traffic. Please do not walk in the road when traffic is coming toward you because our roads are narrow. Night walkers, please wear light colored clothing, reflective clothing if possible, and use a flashlight. No one can see you in the dark. This is for our walkers safety as well as our drivers.
The old man began to feel the beginnings of the onstart, shit, that pissed him off. How about this? Slow down and pull the hell over.
“I am unhappy to address a disturbing concern we have been made aware of. There has been a rash of verbal abuse to our employees. Please be aware that we have security cameras on, and in, every building, including the Guard House. You are seen and heard, especially at the front desk. This is a violation carries a $50-$100 fine and one to two months loss of privileges. We take this very seriously.”
Guessing we are talking about the other twenty-two hundred property owners, who woke up and said, what the hell? You feel me????
Some more gibberish about how happy she is to be sitting in meetings with a bunch of other aged white folks who pretty much hate everybody with whom they are not related. Followed by…
“Live well, be happy, enjoy every moment!”
Surprised she stopped at one exclamation mark.
Fuck. Where to start? Fuck, where to start? Fuck where to start. (Steve Beard, see what I did there?)
These people have a tiny white car and sit behind big green bushes so some geriatric Chuck Norris wanna-be can use a disappointingly up-to-date radar detector that my dues paid for. Times and photograph of your vehicle and license plate. Fuck!!!! Gotcha!
The boulevard is four lanes divided by a grassy median. The old man’s car, hemi-powered V-8, coasted at forty-five. Denzel – the young redhead had named his car because she liked it big and powerful and black. Loved going through the turns marked 20 MPH without touching his brakes. We find fun where we can at this age in this place at this time. Don’t you?
The old man was a genius but he was slow. We are taught, oh, “genius’, we know what that means. No, you don’t. He remembered working for a growing shoe company and being told, “why didn’t you have that idea sooner?” Yo, waffle-breath, at least I had an idea. My point is this, when I finally come around, I am always right.
Best he could figure – no Monmouth poll – the golf cart drivers had taken over. Figure three thousand properties. He owned two and never, ever, voted.
Voting patterns suggest only six hundred residents cast ballots. Frankly looks like a dark money super-PAC just steam-rollered all opposition, maybe some fake news and voila! Which is French for ‘you fail to vote at your own risk.’
So, we end up with an HOA which repaves perfectly excellent road surfaces because it’s difficult to hit top speed in a golf cart on stubbly roads. The old man guessed the top speed for these carts was about, I don’t know, just guessing, thirty miles per hour.
It gets worse. There’s a Security Report from the Security Captain. Again, all about speeding. “The fine and the suspension go together. You can not pay the fine to remove the suspension but the suspension will not be lifted until the fine is paid.
“Our governing documents state that property owners ARE responsible for their guests, so if a visitor is speeding, the property owner will have the fine and suspension.
“It is important that we all work together to reduce speeding before someone gets gravely injured.” Melania, help me here, sweetie.
How about this? Pedestrians have the right of way. See a walker, move away and slow down. Come to a complete stop at a stop sign. Signal turns. Signal lane changes. Slower traffic stay right.
Just sayin.’ Believe me, I have been pounding around a corner, only to find a Shits-Too flying at me out of a golf cart.
Puppy rolled like a pro and the old man never looked back.