If people keep stepping on you, wear a pointy hat. – Joyce Rachelle
My name is Barker Ajax and I am a deranged maniac serial killer.
Never got caught. And this is NOT my confession. Because I never killed anybody. Not yet.
Not that anybody knows about. Not yet.
What really pisses me off – here’s the deranged part – never got any credit for all the lives I saved.
Yeah, that’s right. You have no idea. You wouldn’t believe the pile of bodies in my backyard. The vacant lot next door.
Came so close.
Maybe you would believe it. Had to be real strong these last couple of years. Real strong.
For example:
I could just about strangle my anger management counselor when she asked, who are all these people you didn’t kill?
The session is not even an hour.
If you could just feel safe in your own neighborhood….
Where to start?
The asshole in the lifted black pickup who refuses to stop at the STOP sign. Always going too fast.
Just saw this in today’s paper.
It is difficult to overstate just how much the design of modern trucks and SUVs threatens pedestrian safety. These vehicles have tall hoods — that make it impossible to see obstacles directly in front of the driver — and longer breaking distances, increasing the time it takes for them to stop.
If you are unlucky enough to be hit by a midsize sedan going 25 miles per hour, the point of impact will most likely be your legs, causing you to flip onto the trunk. If you are unlucky enough to be hit by a Chevrolet Silverado — one of the most popular truck models in the United States — the point of impact for an adult will most likely be the torso, as the tall hood plows directly into your center of mass. A child would be crushed outright.*
Like getting hit by a moose. I have Alkiphobia and there are no sidewalks here.
Shortstack down the street has the largest flag in the entire county.
Fuck Joe Biden.
And in little letters but big enough to read as you pass by going the speed limit – And fuck you if you voted for him.
There’s the ‘don’t worry, he won’t hurt you’ pitbull owner.
Yeah, but he’ll eat my dog.
Same guy who flies the AR-15 banner.
Also drives a lifted black pickup.
I was brought up, two topics you never brought up – politics and religion.
Turns out they are the same thing and these days folks won’t shut up about it.
What type of imaginative faith and seditious rectitude has you announcing JESUS IS MY SAVIOR TRUMP IS MY PRESIDENT with a colorful banner on a tall pole in your front lawn? Which you water excessively in violation of current drought restrictions.
The fat lady with her not quite as fat dog and no fence. Cute dog, even chubby, waddles too fast for her owner. I have to stop my workout because Chloe will follow Ragnar to the ends of the earth and the fat lady is never gonna catch up. I just can’t do it.
Never was gonna kill her – wouldn’t want to orphan Chloe.
Go round the corner, who do I see? It’s The Butt Who Won’t Pick Up After His Mutt.
Lived once in a town I probably shouldn’t name – okay, it was Venice – where dogs were banned from the neighborhood park because of uncontrolled canine fecal matter. Not the kind of guy to attend community meetings, let alone grab the microphone and calmly state in my best Walter White voice, “Dogs are not the problem. Dog owners are. You feed them the kibble, you pick up the kibble when they’re done with it. This shit ends now.”
Cute little couple down the street, matching set of actual living garden gnomes, who squat in their lawn plucking weeds from between the blades of grass. Grooming like monkey drug addicts mining for fallen flakes in the shag carpeting. You know what I’m talking about.
No crazier than the guy who polishes his mail box.
Who does that?
I let it go.
Barker needed his walks. Can’t stop those. That’s just not healthy. Motion is life.
He decided to direct his ire at heavily armed black – the trucks, not the people – pickup drivers and bad – the people, not the dogs – dog owners.
Doesn’t sound healthy either. TOO MANY GUNS. May have to rethink this whole thing. Can’t hurt any dogs.
He went back to weeding the vacant lot. He’d show them who’s crazy.
Fascists would make good compost, he thought.
* What is behind the sharp rise in pedestrian deaths? Jamelle Bouie. New York Times. 10/21/2023.